Retired at 25

Bracketology

2005-03-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

Lunardi's latest Bracketology is out and I went through a mock bracket since that is the best way to spend my time. Pretty soon I will be making my own Bracketologies and posting them here. If you take a look at the way he sets it up, his Austin region is a veritable Murderer's Row with the top 4 seeds being Wake, Oklahoma State, Arizona, and Michigan State- all in my top 8 picks from last week's post in one bracket. Then you take a look at the Syracuse regional which has UNC, BC, Washington, and Utah as the top 4 seeds. Although Cuse only got a 4 seed, they share a bracket with Illinois, who in my opinion is ripe for the pickings. A small team which Warrick can absolutely dominate. So my Final Four based on this bracket is as follows:

Cuse vs. Kansas
Oklahoma State vs. UNC

UNC over Cuse in the finals.

That's the way it works. You remember I said that.

Judgement Week/March Madness Preview

2005-02-24T09:43:00.000-05:00

Being "Judgement Week", I figured I would take this time to share my thoughts on the college basketball season thus far and the outlook going into 7UP Championship Week and of course the Tournament. You should accept my word as the truth as I routinely prognosticate winning brackets and understand who to bet on and against in a very tried and true method. Here are seven things to watch for over the next month:

-The Big East is the most competitive league in the country. Although the ACC has had its share of upsets and competition this year, it still is essentially dominated by UNC, Wake, and Duke (I will mention Maryland's impressive sweep of the Devils and not their losses to Miami and Clemson). But the Big East is competitive SEVEN teams deep. I tried writing it out last night like a "six degrees of seperation" in terms of which teams have beaten others, but there is no discernible pattern. BC beats Syracuse and UConn, but loses to Notre Dame and Nova, which Syracuse and UConn both manhandled. Pitt sweeps Cuse, but loses to West Virginia and Georgetown. UConn beats Syracuse and Georgetown but loses to Notre Dame and Pitt. Make no mistake, there is no clear cut favorite to win the Big East Title on the neutral court of MSG in 2 weeks.

-That being said, BC, while a competitive team, is a joke when looking towards the tourney. Yes they beat Syracuse, but it was by 5 points on their home court! And great student section for rushing the court after beating a lower ranked team. Talk about faithful fans. I'll peg them as the University of Pittsburgh Memorial Trophy winners for their Big East regular season title, but annual Sweet 16 Tourney collapse.

-Illinois will not make it past the Elite 8. Considering the draw they will have- first rounds in Indianapolis, Sweet 16 and 8 in Chicago, and the Final 4 in St. Louis, this could be a very risky prediction on my part. Remember Syracuse's trip through their bracket in 2003 went through Boston and Albany, with essentially home crowds. Maybe I just proved myself wrong, however, I see them as this year's Stanford. Michigan State, however, could be the ultimate sleeper. Tom Izzo's teams are extremely dangerous no matter their seeding in the tournament.

-Kentucky is the most fraudulent team year in and year out. Their poll ranking is inflated every year because they march through the watered down SEC in conference play. Remember their number 1 seed last year and yours truly having them losing in the second round to Washington. "You remember I said that, Dildo."

-Also never bet on Cincinnati (annual 5 seed upset, never covers spread), Florida, and any Bob Knight coached team. You'll win far more than you'll lose on this one. Trust me.

-Jay Bilas has gone from my least favorite commentator to my all time favorite due to his love for Cuse this year, even when they go on losing streaks.

-Depending on the seeding, here are my preliminary Final Four to advance in the Tourney:

UNC- most dominant team I have seen in College Basketball this year.
Oklahoma State- Too much experience with last year's squad; JamesOn Curry could be the difference.
Wake Forest- Their backcourt is the best in college basketball. Paul and Gray can take over any game.
Michigan State- As mentioned, never count out an Izzo team. Have the inside/outside threat with Davis and Hill.

but look out for:
Kansas- so many weapons if they can bounce back.
Connecticut- Villanueva looking like the star they thought he would be.
Arizona- Lute Olsen's team always ripe for a run. Salim can shoot them far.
Duke- Shelden Williams is the most underrated player in the country.

I am getting saturated just by writing the most rambling post in a while.

I Can't Get a Break

2005-02-18T14:59:00.000-05:00

The Sports Guy has officially chosen his 25 finalists for his intern contest and I, depressingly, was not included. Normally I would not have a problem with it as there were 4500 entries and there are bound to be funnier, wittier writers out there, however, judging by the “winning” entries, I find that not to be the case. I am counting on the fact that I was at least in his top 100 that he speaks of because while there may be 5 or 6 finalists better than my own essay, there are not 90 others. For your reading pleasure, here is my entry for the contest, within the requisite 400 word parameters.

I am 25. I am retired. Retired being the most appealing synonym for gainfully unemployed. In my retirement, I have essentially been carrying out the duties of the intern position for the past 3 months without the glamourous title. I search the internet for the latest news on the cast of Laguna Beach instead of searching for a job (for the record, "Lo" is apparently dating your fellow Clippers fan Frankie Muniz). I wake up at 9am in the interest of being motivated like a real worker with the promise of landing a full-time job. Unfortunately, much of the day is spent emailing my friends about the promise of Syracuse Basketball backup center Daryl Watkins instead of emailing my George O’Leary-like embellished resume to prospective employers.

I should mention that this isn’t the first ESPN reality gig that I have tried out for, as I did in fact try out for the second season of Dream Job. Unfortunately, I sweated outside in the 90 degree Hollywood heat for four hours before being called in. Apparently the pit-stain look is not something that comes across well on camera. It probably didn’t help that I became Kenyon Martin during my Sportscenter monologue bit. However, I am proud of that fact that I aced the sports-trivia portion of the tryout, coming in first in my group of 50 applicants.

About me personally: I have worked in sports, most recently with the San Diego Padres in their front office, aspiring to be like April 1995's Employee of the Month, Theo Epstein. Count me in also as a New Englander who fled Boston for sunny California. Unfortunately, I prefer temperatures below 30 degrees and pasty, bitter, unattractive women so I moved back to the East Coast after the 2004 season. I live in New York City now and spend my time interviewing for sports jobs and performing Hall of Fame caliber temp work for unappreciative clients.

Finally, let’s be brutally frank. Wouldn’t it be better to have a 25 year old do this job? Someone clinging at the maximum age requirement, someone who will ambitiously search the internet for the best links, someone who will embrace the salary hand over fist, someone who can legally visit casinos, someone who calls 10am-2pm "prime-time". Or a college senior who hasn’t seen 10 a.m. since his freshman year? The choice is simple, Mr. Simmons- Me.

On the flip side, he put together a great O.C. vs 90210 tale of the tape that is worth your reading. You may also berate him about my glaring omission from his intern contest. (sigh, head droop)

Smashed

2005-02-09T21:24:00.000-05:00

"Smashed: The Story of a Drunken Girlhood"- the newest piece of work by another productive S.U. alumnus. Leave it to us to write about being Retired at 25 and binge drinking since age 14. They really have to work on the admissions criteria up there.

Natural Encounter

2005-02-09T21:04:00.000-05:00

katie holmes, originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

Current Balance: $0.03
Available Balance: $0.03
Rate for messenger boy: $12/hour
Scheming to deliver goods to Katie Holmes at her apartment: Priceless

After a horrible day of roaming the streets of NYC delivering tickets for Fashion Week, I was finally rewarded with a special delivery. I was sent to deliver some duds from Vera Wang to Katie Holmes at her apartment. The people in charge strictly informed me that I was to leave the goods with her doorman and were not amused by my asking "Won't SHE want to meet me?". Unfortunately for them, there was a 0% chance I was leaving the gear with a doorman and not meet Katie Holmes. So I concocted a scheme to tell the doorman that she had to approve the clothes first before I left. I am smarter than anyone I know. Heart palpitating, I get by the doorman with relative ease and he points me to the elevator for her penthouse. Officially in, I get up to her apartment and ring her bell. There she was, in all of her natural glory to accept my delivery with a friendly hello and I answered with a hoarse, raspy "How are you?". If I recall incorrectly, she then asked me if I enjoyed chardonnay and soft music, to which I replied "Yes, and robes as well."

Although that last part only happened when I was sleeping, the rest of the story is true and she did give me a genuine smile and wishes for a great day. It should be noted for the record that Katie Holmes is Co's all time favorite Natural, even getting a #1 seed in Wass's old bracket if I remember correctly. I never gave her any credit due to her frankenstein eyes, but she was looking good today and will look good tonight again in my kleenex-filled dreams.

The Ever Popular Weekend Recap

2005-02-07T13:09:00.000-05:00

Although I look like I have two black eyes due to lack of sleep and my spike is so freaking dry right now as I am still dehydrated, it is all worth it after the weekend just had. I would say that was easily the best weekend I've had since I've been in NYC and probably in the top 4 of the past calendar year, coming in slightly behind the weekend in which I watched the entire 27 hour set of Season 1 of the O.C.

It all began with a last minute visit to NYC from Boston by the inimitable H-Town. A veteran of all past Buckwheat shows, H called me at 7:15 that morning to tell me he was making the trek in honor of Bucker. Conrad came over after work and H arrived around 8pm and we boozed with Co like it was Braemore 2002 again. Typical wardrobe for Buck shows is full suit, in order to be the sharpest looking groupies for this 60 year old African American accordion wizard. Taking it a step further this year was the green Masters champion blazer I was rocking, Co in his 50's prom tux, and H in the lobster tie. For the record, H has passed the 250 lb mark and still sweats like me trying to talk to a female. Show was good, albeit a little short, but most striking was the fact that attractive women seemed to dig the Masters jacket. They may or may not have been lesbians now that I think about it, as they disappeared before I had a chance to even open my mouth. After that we were supposed to meet BJ and Shannon at his hotel in the bar downstairs. I called him no less than 14 times over the course of 30 minutes when we didn't see him in the bar and text messaged him at least 5 times. At this point the idea of "him in his room banging his girl since they're staying at a hotel over hanging out with myself, Co, and HTown" was impossible for me to comprehend and I continued to call. We are very drunk at this bar and for the first time in my life I intimidated some dude who insultled my coat. I am a huge pussy most of the time but this guy backed down like Freddie Mitchell in last night's game. He might have been 65 but no matter that. The three of us then proceeded to eat all of the cut up cocktail oranges and olives in huge handfuls. Tex even found remnants stashed in his coat pocket the following morning . Of course we ended our night on Third Ave (the dregs of the earth), wolfing down slice after slice of ziti pizza.

I spent Saturday in a daze, although very much motivated by the weather. I got some photos developed and am looking forward to uploading the famed photograph of the peanut butter and crouton masterpiece which should be submited for some type of art award. College Gameday made my morning as it was on location in CUSE, in the DOME, in preparation for 33,700 record setting fans to converge on the armpit of NY State. Some old big hitters from the high school days were in the city for the night and I luckily got to meet up with them before their concert. Gross, the Dog, and a dose of Trose were a welcome treat to begin my night. I hadn't seen Trose in a few years and he surprised me by not wearing his varsity basketball high tops as he usually does in any social setting, The Dog was well on his way to getting REAL loose early, and even some late night STEINBERG (sans Michael Jordan replica jersey). Good to catch up, but it was time to get ready for the birthday bash.

As I mentioned prior, nobody came to my Welcome to NYC party which was a huge emotional blow. I remained very sketpical of this second get together, and had prepared a quick abort list of bars to head to, if it was a complete disaster. It started out well on the way to my previous experience and I quickly began drinking heavily. In fact, I drank so much Budweiser this weekend that I am contemplating getting a Confederate flag tatooed on my back. To my surprise, the buzzer was constant throughout the night, even I had no idea who it was coming in. I should mention that the little lady that I have been seen out and about with lately was planning to come by with her roommates, so despite Anheuser-Busch's best efforts, I had to try and remain somewhat on my A Game. Since it was his birthday, BJ was the toast of celebration throughout the evening, and even showed up after dinner with a pronounced Thirty Yard Stare. I should've known this would be problematic later in the evening for my behalf, but I happily took the tequila down with him. Sure enough, 30-45 minutes later, with one of the best sets of friendly eyes I had seen in a while, it all came to a screeching halt. In front of virtually everyone at the party, the following interaction occurs:

BJ: (in one his patented "ho-hoooo" voices) JIMMY! Are these girls into Retired at 25 OR WHAT?!!!

BJ's rich.....but not smooth. Naturally they had no idea what he was talking about, since I try to leave that out of any conversastion to save any chance of leading a normal social life with women. I immediately chugged the rest of my beer. My next move was either drink everything in site and hope to blackout within the ensuing 45 seconds or embrace the Retired at 25 and try to explain that I do not spend all day online chatting with babes. As you know, the material on my site is not suited for impressing anyone so I had to wean them on with some of the PG-13 material like the Jersey story and the Welcome to NYC party story. Like a Chrismukkah miracle, they couldn't stop laughing and told me that I am soooo funny and should write for Curb Your Enthusiasm, which completely inflated my ego for the rest of the night and I think everyone wanted to be me. This just proves that being a blogger is the best way to impress women.

Oh yeah, and for the icing on the cake?
PATS YEAR ROUND, BABY!!!!

The Robe Party- Revisited

2005-02-04T16:02:00.000-05:00

The much talked about Robe Party of 2003 has been remembered on Evonne's website, complete with photographic proof. I had no idea there were outstanding photos from this party, however you can all see Jimmy & Conrad sharing a tender moment in the loft, as well a great story about Co's frisky paws.

http://www.xanga.com/home.aspx?user=evo_and_sam

I am currently working on a Mac and have no idea how to make links or upload photos. I will clean this post up later for ease of use, but be sure to check out Evonne's site.

Would You Rather- Alex or Summer?

2005-02-03T16:54:00.001-05:00

Alex, originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

2005-02-03T16:54:00.000-05:00

summer, originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

Where Have I Been?

2005-01-31T22:22:00.000-05:00

In semi-retirement. Which is not as physically comfortable as all out retirement, but much more comfortable financially. I had a three day temp job to try and reacquaint myself with waking up before 9 am, wearing belts and shoes for the first time in months, and dusting off my Hall of Fame excel spreadsheet skills. Beautifully enough, the job was at a magazine publishing company oozing with well put together females. In fact, the lunch hour scenery was so magnificent I finally put an end to my 7 year hatred for cafeterias. There is little better way to spend a lunch hour than staring at professional women in business suits and choosing between the onion rings or the shepherd's pie. Unfortunately, this also means working for women which can be positive for the aforementioned reasons, or negative because of the overwhelmingly high levels of estrogen present.

I wasn't the only temp to start on Thursday. Rich was there too. But he was gone on the first day after being screamed at by a female "director" for not transferring a call correctly. On the second day I felt proud to still be there in the morning but also realized that the world of temp work is cutthroat and I would have to adjust. Some other kid was there on Friday, but he too did not return for the full three day assignment. Nope, only Jimmy survived the reality contest that was "The Temp" and completed the full three day assignment. Not that my road to the championship was filled with peaches and gravy. The following interaction occured on Friday with the lady I was working for:

Boss: "Do you know that you should be coming in to give me my messages?"
Jimmy: "Yes."
Boss: "Is that a message you are writing for me?"
Jimmy: "Yes."
Boss: "Why didn't you get up and walk over to my office with it?"
Jimmy: "Because you were not in your office."
Boss: "I still expect you to come to my office with my messages."
Jimmy: "Even if I know you are not in there, I am supposed to get up from my desk, walk in the doorway and check anyway?"
Boss: "Don't FUCK with me!"
Jimmy: "How can you be so obtuse?"

I was then sent to "the hole" for the weekend, which is why I have not posted in so long.

Actually the last "obtuse" line was made up for effect, but the rest of the conversation actually took place. Surprisingly she turned out to be very cool and I wanted to make out with her very badly, which thankfully did not get in the way of me performing All Star caliber temp work.

One final note- for one, Buckwheat Zydeco is playing in town on Friday night. Bucker is the premier party/boozin music and previous concerts have led to antics like Co spontaneously jumping up from the crowd onto stage at the House of Blues to bang on the keyboard. If you like eating jerky and drinking shots, this is the place to be. Second- BJ (an allstar from Vegas '03, Lobsterfest/Burgerfest, and this past New Years) will be in town for his 25th birthday. We will be celebrating at our palace (not a misprint) first and then heading out to ensure he is shaking through the uncontrollable laughs on Super Bowl Sunday. If nobody shows up to my second NYC get together I am officially moving home. Close friends Jenna and Barbara Bush are rumored to be attending.

6 Days- PATS YEAR ROUND.

I Think My Time Has Come

2005-01-26T18:00:00.000-05:00

It is possible that the time has come. The possibility of the most perfect fit fell right at my feet, I stared at it blankly for a few minutes, and then it hit me- I might actually leave retirement and apply for a job!

The Sports Guy is running a contest to be his new intern which is right in my wheelhouse. The job qualifications:

-Be available for emails from 10am-2pm every day. Check
-Be between the ages of 21-25. Right on the border but, check.
-Surf 30-40 newspapers and websites every morning for the best links. I already do this, get no recognition, nor a paycheck. Check.
-Work 25-30 hours a week. We'll call it "Semi-Retired at 25." Check.

Now it's a matter of wooing the panel of judges by coming up with a 200-400 word essay to get selected. I should mention that the last time I tried out for an ESPN gig (Dream Job), I sweated in line for over 5 hours in 90 degree L.A. weather for a shot. While I did ace the sports trivia portion of the tryout, I unfortunately turned into Kenyon Martin while trying to deliver a Sportscenter-like monologue and was sent packing. However, I think my refined blogging skills can only help to catapult me out of retirement.

Going to work on my essay...

To Dine or Not to Dine

2005-01-25T09:20:00.000-05:00

Apparently it is "Restaurant Week" here in New York City, which I have no concept of since I am retired and only eat ham sandwiches at every meal. Speaking of sandwiches, an entry into the Hall of Fame of Sandwiches was created this past Sunday by Co. A magician in the kitchen, Co routinely works wonders with cold cuts and the toaster oven. On Sunday, however, he stepped completely out of bounds with a Peanut Butter and Crouton sandwich. I am not making this up (a picture will follow) and actually laughed myself to sleep last night thinking of it. These were no ordinary croutons either, they were the Pepperidge Farm Generous Cuts, heavily seasoned. This gives you a glimpse into the eating habits of our apartment.

As I was saying this is restaurant week, which I could never afford to handle even on the reduced prices, as my retirement pension is far too meager. That being said, there are plans in the making for young Jimmy and an even younger female to spend an evening on the town this week and this could pose a problem. In days gone by, I was known to woo the females with a strict diet of alcohol. However, that was in Boston where all the girls are high school-aged...I mean college aged(at least the ones I pursued) and the idea of a gentleman-on-the-make buying them anything but the Miller-Lite draft at Mary Ann's was cause for severe moisture. Now, however, I am in NYC where girls expect Tiffany boxes just to get them to open their cell phone, let alone their pants. Normally I would never have thought about taking any girl out for dinner until I read Bernie's post mentioning the fact that it is Restaurant Week, which is every NYC girl's secret agenda to find a sucker (read: me) to take them to dinner. I've essentially already made my decision to wine instead of dine, however if I am completely in the wrong here and this girl is expecting the dinner, please inform me as I would very much like to break out the paws on this young nubile.

Pats Year Round

2005-01-24T15:53:00.000-05:00

Bruschi
Originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

Question: Who is the best team in the history of the NFL?

Answer: The New England Patriots

I think it was made official yesterday that the Pats are the most dominant NFL franchise in recent memory. Holding the prolific Colts offense to 3 points? Blowing out the 4th team to go 15-1 in league history on the road? All of this without arguably their two best defenders? Mercy! Mercy indeed.

And as much love as I have for DNabb5, this might be the biggest Super Bowl rout since my Chargers were lambasted by the 49ers 11 years ago. That's how confident I feel in the Patriots right now.

Pick: Pats 37-7.

My Chat with Keith

2005-01-21T14:07:00.000-05:00

My sportsbook account has not allowed me to log in since Monday. This keeps me away from online Craps which is probably a positive, although I have caved in and phoned in bets in the meanwhile. However, it's been 5 days and I am on the verge of breaking down so I clicked on 24/7 "Techincal Help" and here's what happened:

Please wait for a site operator to respond. You are now chatting with 'Keith'

James: I have not been able to log in for 5 days. I have been walked through all the techincal stuff and it still isn't working. I think it might be something with my login
Keith: How may I help you today?
Keith: is the error message saying login not sucessful.
James: No I can't even get to that screen. It's one of those generic Microsoft "unable to display page" screens
Keith: well then this has nothing to do with your login details.
Keith: it my jst be your computer. what have you been told to do?
James: i've checked all the security settings, cleared the temp files, etc. it's just strange that it was fine and then since monday it hasn't allowed me in
Keith: have you checked your connection speed?
James: what about it?
Keith: WELL IF ITS LOW THIS MAY BE THE PROBLEM.
James: ok. well how do i check it and subsequently improve it?
Keith: well you should have an icon in the lower right hand corner of your computer with 2 computers click on this to check your connection speed.
James: 100.0 Mbps
Keith: it should be be alot higher than that
James: ok. well how do i go about fixing it?
Keith: i am not sure James i am not a techincal advisor.
James: well what are you?
Keith: customer support for gaming.
James: ok, well yours is the only web site I am having problems with
Keith: if you have tried all the solutions i am not sure what the problem is.
James: do you work with any techincal advisors?
Keith: Unfortunately I dont.
James: Well Keith, what do you propose I do about my inaccessable sportsbook account?
James: Keither?

Retired at 16

2005-01-18T23:09:00.000-05:00

MTV has pulled out all the stops in its quest to satisfy "creepy, retired-25-year-olds-with-pedophilic-tendencies" with the introduction of their new show My Super Sweet 16, which focuses on extravegantly wealthy 16 year girls planning their sweet 16 parties. To top it off, once they showed the opening scene being filmed in La Jolla, CA, I was officially on board.

I remember my 16th birthday party. It was, like, so cool. Four or so friends came over and we played a round robin badminton tourney in my backyard and followed it up by breaking out the board game classic, Stratego. I don't even think I won and it was my birthday. And there were no girls present, unless you count my cat and my mom, which makes two.

Regardless, the following quotes were exchanged during the show

Jimmy: "This has excellent potential."
Female Roommate (scornfully): "Just remember they're 16."
Jimmy: "Exactly."

Jimmy: "I would really like to be invited to this party."
Co: "Would you hook up with one of them...."
Jimmy: "Eh..."
Co: ".....if nobody would find out?"
Jimmy: "Absolutely."

Time to go rub one.....I mean, go to sleep.

California Love

2005-01-17T17:37:00.000-05:00

Retired at 25's sphere of influence has now extended to the West Coast where it has influenced my old co-worker JT to create his own site titled The Sixth Year Senior. Clearly I am associated with ambitious young adults. The first entry has some bittersweet irony regarding the women in California and their interpretation of cold weather (it's in the teens here today).

It should be noted that JT and I shared a cubicle back in the Padres days which was by far the finest cubicle in the history of offices. This cube had a prime view of the 42" LCD in our office, whose remote was housed strictly in our cube and was used entirely at our discretion, which translated to a healthy diet of Red Sox baseball, much to the chagrin of the females in the office. Our cube also easily outdistanced Monica's which was filled with cat photos and empty wine bottles and of course Diane's, which was covered with photos of her (good times) and her boyfriend (not good times).

So check out the site and support an employee of a middling baseball franchise.

Welcome to New Jersey!

2005-01-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

Retired at 25 is back, baby. Errors fixed and a fresh post for your enjoyment.

Friday night I went to Hoboken to visit some friends who live out there that I hadn't seen since I've been in the area. I was told that we were going to see a band at an Irish bar in a very casual scene where a wet spike was not necessary. So I get myself together and get down to the PATH train around 11pm. As I'm waiting for a train, who should walk up but a girl whom I dated for a while back in college. 20 million people in this city and I get the luxury of awkward small talk with an ex-girlfriend within 2 weeks of being here. Here is one gem from the exchange:

Girl: "Guess what? I'm engaged!"(flaunts the ring)
Jimmy: "That's wonderful! I'm unemployed!"(flaunts lack of self-worth, empty wallet)

As always, making others feel much better about themselves. Where was my Volvo SUV when I needed it? I should mention that earlier in the evening I went downstairs to the convenient store in my Frank the Tank robe and slippers to buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter for my dinner and also went through the price menu at length with the cashier as to which is the cheapest six pack of canned beer. Can't get much better than me right now.

Anyway, since I am a talker, I was able to avoid the potholes of further awkward conversation during our PATH ride to Jersey, eventually making inquiries into the availability of her attractive sorority sisters which was actually welcomed and I have been subsequently "friendstered" into her network.

Increasing my friendster points for the evening once I got to the bar, was the fact that I traveled all the way to Jersey to witness a Bon Jovi cover band in a smoky bar. Could it get any more Jersey/worse than this? Maybe if they had a video slide show of power plants and cesspools to accompany the music I guess, but still, couldn't my friends have weaned me onto jersey a little less severely? And nothing tops ending a night showering off the stench of smoke after waiting for a train in a cold PATH station for 30 minutes. I am a good friend but I am officially never going back to Hoboken again.

Weekend Recap

2005-01-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

I am currently stretching the elastic in my renowned sweatpants to all time great lengths following an ambitious Sunday dinner creation by myself and Co. We tried to think outside of the Foreman/Takeout box and ended up choosing "Italian Style Meatloaf" which narrowly beat out "Tantalizingly Tangy Meatloaf" and "Soft, Moist, and Gooey Cinnamon Buns". Submitted to the cookbook by Stefanie S (I have to give credit where it is due) this meatloaf is "a different twist on everyday meatloaf. I've NEVER had leftovers even when I've tripled the recipe!!". Sold, Stefanie! Raw ground beef, eggs, tomato sauce, and mozzarella cheese in a mixing bowl was one of the sexiest things I have ever laid eyes on. An hour later I was one-on-one with a most glorious cake tray of leavened beef!

As for the weekend, Friday was first supposed to be a party welcoming yours truly to NYC, but then only 4 people showed up, two of which were roommates of mine. Shortly after, the entire room began to make fun of my hairstyle which I have used for over 3 years and led to the rest of my evening filled with self-doubt. No less than three conversations were made at the bar asking females if they "were into it", to which I was either told "No." or given zero response. I am ready to move home and hear my mom tell me how handsome I am (not in a weird way, really).

Slept till around 3 on Saturday which allowed me to miss the blogger convention that took place. Even mentioning this planned get together of "some internet friends" got me placating smiles and nods from the roommates. However, the internet powers that be would make sure that my Saturday would not go without blogger encounters. Initially it was planned to meet friends for a birthday party at bar called Manahatta, which I tried telling the people at door was a misspelling. Adding to it all was the CHargers heartbreaking loss, the fact that my name was not on a special clipboard at the door, and this bar did not allow gentlemen to enter the bar unaccompanied by females. After asking the bouncer in sunglasses if he was sure he could see the clipboard in the blinding sunlight, we walked up the street to another bar which was more lenient.

It was at this bar that one of greater lines in the pantheon of "Approaches to Women" occurred. Recognizing her from the photos on her webpage, I asked the girl out of nowhere, "Have I seen you on the internet?". Yes, my mojo was on fire last night. But at least my memory served me correct as it was the one and only Kiki. We either had a "super-good" conversation or I completely "super-creeped her out" by recognizing her from her webpage. Either way, I also met JdeG who gave me a flurry of "high-tens" for recognizing her as well and being a Kiki groupie. I was told about the blogger convention of the afternoon which I am now pleased that I did not attend and was also told that my site is funny. This gave me enough confidence to, later in the night, attempt to convert on "the Layup", a friend of my roommate's girlfriend. She was all the way back at the place, at which point I tried to work an angle of her helping me put the clean sheets on my bed. I will not say which way it went, but less than 5 minutes later I was baking a huge batch of nachos in the kitchen with Co to round out my evening.

No Sleep Till...

2005-01-06T16:03:00.000-05:00

I am in love with the two dump trucks that idle their engines outside my windows from the hours of 3-6 am everyday. I never knew 30th street was a late night truck stop. I also don't understand why they can't just shut their engines off instead of revving them up like they are dueling Red Dragons. Needless to say, sleep has been at a minimum thus far and I find myself increasingly edgy. I should be used to this, though. While in San Diego, I had some prime real estate under the airport take-off path. Upon each jet taking off, my apartment would be flooded with noise, drowning out any conversation and/or television for a good 45 seconds. The smell of jet fuel was also a wonderful sedative. However, from 12-6am no flights departed so I could count on at least some reasonable sleep. I have a feeling this is going to be a lot harder to get used to. I have also come to realize that closing curtains does not mute sound.

On another note, I'm really enjoying watching what goes on in the offices in the building across the street on a daily basis. There's many women in the office that are on the business end of much staring and self-groping. One of these days I will locate my roommate's binoculars and really enjoy myself. In the meanwhile I look forward to a possible nap, tonight's new episode of the O.C., and Fresh Direct's delivery of my 30 pack of Budweiser.

UPDATE: Con Edison has officially set up shop outside of the apartment and is staging what appears to be a jackhammer training session. I couldn't make this stuff up. It ruined my ability to hear the episode of the O.C. and then Fresh Direct did not deliver my Labatt's. Bitter.

Merry New Year!

2005-01-03T23:01:00.000-05:00

"In this country, we say HAPPY new year." I think I just overcame the sweating and shaking of the New Years binge. Co and I had a hell of a time on New Years Day in Circuit City, with a full array of sweats, clammy hands, dizzy spells, and awkward handshakes with Ralph the Uninformed Salesman With A Large Dent in the Palm of His Hand. I will say that the preceding evening was well worth the hangover, and even the depression that followed the uncontrollable laughs.

New Years plans were not decided until around 6pm Friday, at which point we were deciding between a booze cruise, a friend's open-bar flat rate party, and Bulls Head, which shockingly had no cover. My buddy BJ was in town with his new girlfriend so they were coming out with myself and Leary- a real dynamite crew of four. Our pre-boozin was spent strategizing the midnight makeout and how to time it so the female is not scared away after too much time conversing about online diaries. I was impressed with BJ's girl Shannon who scouted out the potential beasts for our conquest. At about 11:45 I made the move in to "buy" shots from the open bar for the group of six girls that was at the bar. Luckily they were from upstate NY, so not only did I have conversation fodder, but they were also thankful and impressed by the shots. The circle of friends that became of the shots turned into me conversing with the one with the Gary Sheffield-like mustache who, in fairness, did have a reasonable body. Not sure whether she would be into it or not, I wisely managed to continune conversation with the husky girl who was interested in any form of conversation. Complimenting her shirt was all for insurance purposes in case Rollie Fingers was not into my shit. Thankfully she was, and the midnight maul was on. The taste of female flesh is so good, once it hits your lips, particularly after a prolonged dry spell spent at home. My confidence boosted, I motioned for the 7 bartender for a kiss and after an inital outright denial, I was granted a kiss on the cheek, for which I tipped her $10. This, however, continued the free open bar for me a bit longer than everyone else and I will be going back to this bar regularly.

Co and I stumbled into a cab around 3 where I called an old ex girlfriend who lives in NYC (voice mail, no surprise). Parting ways with Co for no apparent reason around 23rd street, I dragged myself into the Monk for a beer where I blathered to some Irish girl for 2 minutes, spit a few times, and then walked directly back out of the bar, and found my way home somehow, someway. Shortly after I got home Co called and while not funny to anyone besides myself, the following conversation took place:

Jimmy: "Where are you?"
Slurred Co: "I'm in the Monk."

Good night 2004, I hated that year.

Hello New York

2004-12-31T11:46:00.000-05:00

I am officially here and set up for the most part in the big city. Writing to you as I look out on Madison Ave with my computer set up on the windowsill in a mildly bootleg, but very much space saving manner. I have many thoughts to share on the first week in NYC that I am working on but those will come at a later point. I am slightly hungover this morning after the first drinking in a socially acceptable manner with more than just myself, for the first time in months. Went to a bar around Avenue B which was a bit of a frightening area. Nothing like the cozy confines of my room with a bottle of wine and the O.C. message boards. The first bar had no sign outside and a bouncer who laughed at my ID. I think I look attractive. They played ridiculously fast techno music, the likes of which I had not heard since spring '99, and also showed the extremely graphic scenes of Clockwork Orange above the bar. Soon I was sweating, the environment increasing my intoxication level just by proximity. I had no idea people still did E. Needless to say, we felt out of place without our skateboards and hoodies so we moved on to a bar that had photos on the wall of old wrestling action figures like Captain Lou Albano and the Iron Sheik. Someone please tell me that that is an acceptable form of decoration. I did catch myself at one point, secretly enjoying the fact that I was in NYC and paying $8 for a drink.

And so it begins.

Enjoy the following link to the Bostonian of the Year, Theo Epstein.

The Big Day

2004-12-26T19:44:00.000-05:00

Christmas was great, blah blah. Gifts that disappoint, family parties filled with too much egg nogg and ham. Mmmmmm, ham. Personal highlight: my in-the-bag 27 year old brother putting my 17 year old cousin in tears on Xmas eve after he bluntly tells her that she and her high school boyfriend won't get married, will break up in 3 months or less, and tries to shake hands to bet on it. All this, in front of the boyfriend's mortified father. Classy.

Tomorrow is the big move to NYC. Real heavy. Psyched, but at the same time, slightly edgy. I know once I get there that I will feel the rush and find my niche, but the first couple of weeks will likely be a challenge. I also don't know what I will do once my life changes from 10:00 wakeup calls and morning waffles to anticipated full time employment. I could be in for a rude awakening. In fact, I know I am in for a rude awakening, but that is why I am doing it. Retired at 25 isn't my desired state of being, it's just a self deprecating blog. It's time for me to make it official, get back to running the mouth, and get back to being A.B..

Wish me luck, see you in NYC.

My Wish List

2004-12-24T11:16:00.000-05:00

amy smart
Originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

This is the gift I would like to most see under the tree tomorrow. A job would be cool as maybe, like, a stocking stuffer, but my first choice is Amy Smart. Hot, but not unattainable. Even could be considered "natural" in some circles.

My apologies for the lack of posts in the past few days, I had one up yesterday that mysteriously disappeared. I've actually had activities to take part of (online craps games). Enjoy the photo and have a Merry Christmas.

UPDATE: Love this photo. Love seeing it everytime my page loads. I am a pat of butter to the hot knife of her smile.

Like Howard and Annie Lederer

2004-12-22T15:20:00.000-05:00

The ideas mentioned on my previous post "The Money and the Power" related directly to Vegas trips with my brother and the completely outlandish behavior that ensues. Naturally, within 30 minutes of picking him up from the airport this morning, he began coaxing me to put money on the Warriors (+3) tonight for their home game against the Grizzlies. Mind you I am no stranger to the sportsbook.com, having financed my retirement in their online craps room earlier this fall. It was apparent that they had just put the casino portion of their site in action and had yet to work out the kinks, as I proceeded to pillage them for close to $2000 over a two day period, having started with $50. And it was easy, we're talking roughly 75% of the rolls were hitting. They must've caught on to me, however, because I went in a week later feeling like a champ after a few Black Velvets, and lost $100 almost immediately, crapping out consecutively, and I haven't been back since.

Needless to say it didn't take very long to get back into my account this afternoon. I wasn't immediately coaxed into it, but after a little negotitating he offered to buy me an Ipod just to put money on the Warriors! It's easy being an enabler. Hell, I didn't care. A couple more AAdvantage miles on my credit card and I am qualified to own two bitter, forty-something flight attendants.

So I am in on the Warriors at home +3. Betting trends showed 85% of the money is on Memphis, but I paid that no mind. I also took the Celtics (-2.5) and their under against the Knicks (203) while I was there. And played some craps and blackjack, treading water for about 30 minutes.

Off to the gym to go bet on some three-point contests. Don't worry about me.

Would you?

2004-12-21T15:09:00.000-05:00

nelson
Originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

Share a bed with Nelson, Pedro's friend, if you could routinely being home any girl you choose from the bar? She may or may not get after it with you, based on her reaction to your bedmate, but you would always have a shot. Sometimes he wouldn't be there, increasing your chances. On the flip side, on the nights you choose not to go out, it's just you and him.

Something's in the Air

2004-12-21T11:19:00.000-05:00

Something is in the air. Up here in the arctic desert, it looks like we are in the midst of a nuclear storm. The sun is eerily masked by thick snow clouds. There is at least 8 inches of snow on the ground, blown in odd shaped snowdrifts. There are wild dogs/wolves running around the neighborhood in circles in sub-zero temperatures. Instead of tumbleweed, entire pine trees are blowing down the deserted streets and sidewalks. Mad Max just rode by on his motorcycle.

All of this comes after I proclaim "Pats Year Round" last night and they end up losing to the 2-11 Dolphins on Monday Night Football. Tom Brady throws four interceptions. The Pats, previously 19-1 since 2001 in games decided by 7 points or less, turn the ball over with less than two minutes to play. Tom Brady throws four interceptions and doesn't lead them on a game winning drive at the end. Traditionally, the Dolphins visit to Foxboro in December has been part of their annual collapse on their way to a first round playoff loss. For the first time in years the Pats go to Miami in December....and lose.

Additionally, the Red Sox traded Dave Roberts to the Padres for Jay Payton and Ramon Vazquez. This was done solely to make me irate, as I have a huge issue with Jay Payton. Break up the championship team even more for an anemic centerfielder. I'm not even going to get into it, but for fun, have a look at his head!

I'll have more fun stuff later, maybe some photos and some "would you rathers?".

Pats Year Round

2004-12-20T19:25:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning early again for an informational interview I had scheduled and checked the weather forecast, as my hands were too cold to even celebrate with myself (Lester Burnham style). Of course my weather.com page still opens up to San Diego's forecast where I get to see that it is 70 and mostly sunny even at 4:40 in the morning. As I type in my current zip code it tells me it is 4 degrees, but that it "feels like -11". Awesome.

The interview itself went well, although I could've been either way over-prepared or under-prepared, having never had an "informational" interview. The guy was cool, lived in San Diego for a while and when I told him I had worked for the Padres, he asked me if I knew a lady friend of his who worked there. I had told him that the name sounded familiar. Meanwhile I walked by this chick's cube every day stealing glimpses with my x-ray vision and offering awkward, hoarse "hello's." As if he was a mind-reader, the following exchange occurred:

Interviewer: "She's hot"
Jimmy: (reverently) "Yes. She really is."
I: (standing up excitedly) "Let's call her!"
J: (stammering) "Uh, I didn't really know her that well, I used to just walk by her cube and look at her."

Yup. Classy guy right here. I spent the rest of the interview feeling as ashamed as if I had made love to myself into an old sock for the third time that day. But overall I think it went well, "I made some amazing points, got some good contacts, and even finagled some professional literature off of his bookshelf. Unfortunately it was not of the self-help variety, which I clearly am in need of.

On another note, it appears that Philadelphia has taken the Cursed Sports City title from Boston with T.O. lost for the season. It's been building for years down there, most likely due to the awful karma from their BITTER residents, fans, and media (see Stephen A. Smith for example). "You don't know. You've NEVER BEEN THERE!"

Meanwhile, I grow increasingly more frustrated at the hometown front office for their mediocre transactions and have officially declared to Merriman for the first time since the World Series victory, "Pats Year Round". For those of you not in the know, "Pats Year Round" was proposed by Merriman this past June during one of the Sox typical 4 or 5 game summer losing streaks. At our wits end, I had decided to shift my allegiance to the surging Devil Rays who had won 14 straight, and promptly ordered my Aubrey Huff jersey. While this idea tempted Merriman, he flat out rejected the notion of following baseball altogether and suggested point blank "Pats. Year Round." While this may not make sense or humor anyone else, coming from the easily riled up Merriman, (after game 3 of the 2004 ALCS, a bitter Merriman verbally accosted me for continuing to hold on to the possibility that the sox could win) it was highly entertaining.

The Money and The Power

2004-12-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

Do you love Vegas? Does the sound of slot machines jingling make you moist? Have you ever tried to find a sound clip of this noise because it elicits such feelings of euphoria inside of you? Does the smell inside Mandalay Bay make you completely saturated? Do you feel most comfortable in 100 degree, dry, desert heat? Besides the lobby of Mandalay Bay, have you ever smelled anything finer than stripper perfume? Do you ever fantasize about stacks of chips so high that you can't even see over them? Have you ever placed $1000 or more on the outside at the roulette table? Do you enjoy stretching your money clip wide and seeing it filled with nothing but hunnies? Do you enjoy financing fat steak dinners accompanied by only the finest wines by hitting hard sixes? Is your idea of relaxing a hot volcanic rock massage comped by a pit boss who you've made your bitch?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, you are definitely not a female, but on the off chance you are, I would like to share the rest of my life with you. You also may want to check out this book I just finished reading called, "The Money and the Power". It's an amazing look at the rise of the United States during the 20th century and the role Las Vegas plays in virtually every major political event, election, and business deal of the past 100 years. Coincidentally, as Las Vegas had an effect on the country's rise, so rose the role of the Syndicate in the political dealings of the United States. It was surprising to learn how closely associated the Kennedy family and Presidents Nixon and Reagan were with the central figures in organized crime. Contrasting my prior naivety, some disturbingly similar election scnearios as those that played out in 2000 and 2004, occurred in the major elections of the last half of the century, all made possible by shady Las Vegas deals and campaign funding via casino money laundering. As it is a non-fictional historical look at Vegas, it's not as sexy as a "Bringing Down the House" per say, and can be a little dry, but from an American history standpoint, it is an important resource. And what's better than a book with the mob and casinos as main characters?

On another note, I just inhaled a fat steak dinner. I don't know what I'm going to do when I move out.

The Cut-Off Point

2004-12-17T08:07:00.000-05:00

Day 3 of waking up before 7:30 am is upon me and taking a toll on your boy big time. I don't understand three days of service on a broken door lock that still actually worked about 50% of the time. When I spoke to the service guy yesterday, he informed me that they have it working about 70% of the time (after two days in the shop) now, which gives me an estimated completion date of never. I don't even want the car any more, just keep it. And I don't know why they feel they have to go over every problem with me in car-shop talk like I'm Mad Mike at West Coast Custom. Talking about kick dashes and asking me if I installed any additional circuitry under the dash. Yeah buddy, I was trying to put some plasma screens and a dishwasher in my trunk and I got stuck on my door lock.

Stopped by Starbucks on the way home from dropping mom off at work for some lukewarm single malt hot chocolate. I felt like Mikey from Swingers in Vegas, "I didn't even want it, I just wanted to order it" and be in the presence of some 1's and 2's on their way to work in their business suits. And me in my sweatpants. I am a scumbag.

Got into the wines a bit last night for Chrismukkah in Newport Beach. I've found I have to dull my senses for this season's episodes in order to be surprised by the otherwise completely predictable story lines. The discount merlot was flowing like water, allowing me to pencil in Coop as an early favorite for an Emmy. I knew I had reached the cut-off point when during the Apprentice finale, I thought to myself, "wow, short Stacy looks HOT!"

And yes I spend much of my day on Craig's List searching for "Casual Encounters".

Chrismukkah is here

2004-12-16T13:29:00.000-05:00

chrismukkah
Originally uploaded by blogjimmy.

Chrismukkah is upon us, tonight at 8pm. Hopefully Summer ditches that grandma outfit she's got in the picture. That would be my Chrismukkah wish.

Boston.com had this headline this morning.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand.....Good Afternoon Everybody!

2004-12-15T22:42:00.000-05:00

First of all, congratulations to Mike and the Mad Dog for 15 years on the air. My earliest memory came from listening to their Braves/Twins World Series coverage in 1991 as a husky 7th grader. Thankfully YES network broadcasts their show on cable up here, making an afternoon in retirement absolutely glorious. Nothing like watching a radio broadcast on television, but they manage to keep me entertained and informed in the otherwise uncompetitive 1:30-6:30 time slot. I'm sure certain readers employed by WEEI in Boston won't hesitate to get sandy with me about this shout-out, but remember, you have the highest ratings in the Nation. WEEI's hosts are about as cool as Clams Loaf's website, but your producers are well versed in college sports.

Sox signed Renteria today and I really have no emotion about it at all. Great, Edgar Renteria. I understand we have to sign a shortstop and he's the best available so I accept it, but I am not overly enthused. If it was "The Man", however, it'd be an entirely different story. I will point out, that at $10 mil per, he's a relative bargain considering we offered Nomar $15 mil last year which he turned down. For that I am thankful. Rent is also a better hitter than Cabrera and supposedly has better range. I'm still hoping they keep Hanley and bring him up (nothing like cheap talent developed in your system), although it is a catch 22 whether or not to deal him for better starting pitching (Burnett, Sheets, or Hudson). I have confidence in the front office to get it done or else it could truly shift to "Pats Year Round".

On another note, these holiday gifts can be mailed to me at any time. I think the silver one would be the money when I mingle in NYC and, like a glass of Zin and some Johnny Mathis, would most definitely have the ladies eating out of my hand.

Finally, I just listened to an Air album I used to listen to all the time in H-Town's 'Burban, riding home 'ammered to the Village, circa fall 2001. Made me finally emerge from that Maker's induced blackout of a Fall. Get your 'Burban on while you can, rumor has it that it may be gone come springtime.

Vote For Your Favorite Caption

2004-12-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

-

a) "Gene Simmons and Santa Claus share a tender moment"
b) "Ha Ha! There's no way that's bigger than a chapstick tube"
c) "I am a robot, unfazed by the possibility of oral sex. Additionally, even with my x-ray vision, I am still trying to steal a glimpse of your thong."

Rise and Darkness

2004-12-15T08:06:00.000-05:00

The 7 am wake up call this morning was absolutely bad times all around. I haven't woken up to an alarm in a long time and almost had a panic attack when it sounded. My car needed service as the drivers side door lock won't respond to the remote and since I am too lazy to turn the key in the door to unlock it, it needed to be fixed, and this was the only time to bring it in. Yesterday, it wouldn't even open, which was most likely due to being parked outside in the barren tundra, so I was forced to crawl all 6 foot 3 inches of myself through the passenger side in a fantastic Carly Patterson-like show of flexibility. Needless to say I was like the walking dead as I went into the service place this morning and was asked no less than 3 times how I was, in more concerned tones than just general small talk.

As painful as it was, it is strangely enjoyable to be part of the land of the living again and made me feel productive. I plan on getting through all the tasks on my to-do list and find myself a job.

"I will sell this house today! I will sell this house today!"

Lonely Tuesday Evenings

2004-12-14T23:32:00.000-05:00

In order to cope with the onset of shakes and sweats due to a tuesday night without Laguna Beach, I am drying out myself (and probably my readers) with the latest Pedro talk:

"Pedro is very good, but I believe the word is, one of the Red Sox front office guys said, if they had the three-year $40.5 million contract with the 252 perks, said to me 'this contract is going to cause us more anxiety than anything, there's no way to get a penny of insurance... if you look at Pedro's baserunners per nine innings, hits per nine innings, strikeout to walk ratios, they've all gone south dramatically in the last five years, strikeouts per nine innings pitched too.' Those are indicators that the stuff is not there. He had a 5.00 ERA when he pitched in a normal rotation on four days rest. Tom Verducci admired what Pedro did in the post-season, pointing out that his three good starts were on 7-8-and-7 days rest. And then when he pitched on four days rest, he didn't pitch well. I really worry for Omar Minaya that this could be a terrible deal.

And I'll tell you why I object to Fern Cuza. I think the right thing is to do the best thing for your client. And the best thing for your client whose already made $92 million and is guaranteed $133 million dollars. He's allowed to do basically what he wants to do. People leave him alone. Nobody made a big stink about his not going to the sixth game of the Yankees series, which I still think is preposterous. But in New York, well over half the media view him as a complete and utter mercenary who grovels to get one extra dollar. Pedro does not take kindly to any criticism. He's going to get killed in New York. And with the franchise run by a PR guy from New York named Stu Sucherman, cause he has the final say on every decision made because he's Fred Wilpon's PR hack, I just think he's in for big trouble. I think he could be miserable, or it's obvious there's a chance he's gonna break down. This has all the earmarks of a disaster and an ugly way for his career to end." -- Peter Gammons on WEEI's Big Show

Yikes!

For more Gammons on 'Dro, check out http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/gammons/story?id=1946349

My last hour

2004-12-14T13:30:00.000-05:00

I've spent the past hour (we'll call it my "lunch hour") doing two things. One was applying for a job with the Mets. Shit, if Pedro can get 4 years/$56 mil, I should at least be able to pull in a good $12-13 per hour....part time. I mean, I've worked in the Padres system and am 7 years younger. Unfortunately the online application would not allow my resume to be uploaded and with my ambition wilting with a tray of brownies waiting for me in the kitchen, I ended negotiations and called the deal off.

However, the other part of my lunch hour was spent assisting a female friend (shocking, I know) in her online shopping, essentially approving or disapproving of potential purchases. Now while it's possible that I started our conversation about those awesome tank top shirts girls wear that look like lingerie and perhaps tried to peer pressure her into buying some, we'll continue with the story as if I was innocently minding my business and had these pictures shoved at me for approval.

Although these shirts may be "out" as of now, especially in NYC, I will remind you that I am in upstate NY, where Zubaz pants are the hottest holiday gift. And if you are under the impression that I spend my day in too-small sweatpants from high school, you are correct, and may not believe that these pictures were found by somebody else, but I assure you they were. Like Moe from the Simpsons, I only look at the girls in the Sears catalog. Also, these pictures make my website sexy, and by default, me as well. Here are a couple of the possible purchases that were subject to my approval:

2004-12-14T13:25:00.000-05:00

2004-12-14T13:24:00.000-05:00

A

Along with heart palpitations, I was also subject to a number of other reactions, mostly from the robe in the first picture. If you know me, you'll recall the sucess of the now famous Robe Party in 2003, which turned the loft upside down and brought robe wearing to a small mainstream population. You also probably can tell most of the value I get from robes is in "unintentional comedy". So of course, while she is thinking of buying the little teddy, and thus arousing a lonely 25 year old sitting at home, I am pushing for her to buy the accompanying robe with its special fur trim. My friend obviously now thinks I am weird and creepy and asks me, but after enough persuasion, "What could I do with a robe?" turned into, "I guess I could make breakfast in it". Yes!!!

Again, this is all for my entertainment value, which reminds me of the time in high school my one friend Scott and I tried to convince our buddy Sol, who loved working out almost as much as himself, to buy a retro Michael Jordan jersey in a way too tight size small. After 10 minutes of "Oh yeah, man, you look big!" and "Ashley will love you in it!" the $120 was spent. Then of course we spent 2 years pressuring him to wear just that, with no shirt under it into school for a day, which unfortunately, for our entertainment purposes never happened.

Alright, time to go shovel my car out of the igloo formed around it.

Picture Time!

2004-12-13T22:53:00.000-05:00

Massive Party Time! I finally got pictures up on the website and although something a bit more sultry and blonde would have lured some more readers, what better way to initiate the photos then with the big news of Pedro following me to NY. I could argue both sides of Pedro staying or going but in the idea of keeping the site mildly interesting, I'll spare the burgeoning readership the baseball stats. I am slightly disappointed, only because I was conned into buying this stupid bootleg "Vote For Pedro" t-shirt at the parade a few months back when I was just drunk and had a severe case of the friendly eyes. The shirt is not even remotely clever, funny, or fashionable and the back of it says "He'll Make All of Your Wildest Dreams Come True" which definitely casts a weird homosexual overtone that I should try to avoid in my wardrobe. I will say this- Classic Mets. $56 mil for a 6 inning pitcher. Of course I could be eating those words along with a side of Roger Clemens come next year.

On a retirement related side note, I just finished watching the RealWorld/RoadRules challenge and am having a difficult time with the casting choices. I can count maybe one or two girls higher than maybe a 2 left on this show and that's pushing it. Why did they have to axe Cameran and Kina so early on? It kills me. One of my buddies tried to tell me Tonya was hot, but she's a scrunchie and a pair of ProKeds away from being a server at the Terre Haute Ruby Tuesday's (or possibly a worker bee at Pru SoCal). Sadly, that is more employment than I currently have so I really shouldn't comment. I could go a lot further right now, but I don't need to further alienate my 1.5 female readers. I can already picture the "What about Arissa? She's beautiful" comments coming my way.

Till tomorrow with some better photography.

My new bed

2004-12-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

I realize yesterday's baseball post might have been a little inside, but considering my readership (possibly not a real word) consists of only me, I think I'm okay on that. I'd like to post some photos on here to actually attract readers, but I've been blocked from most of the Laguna Beach and O.C. websites for general creepiness. Plus, there's some heavy HTML code involved in making this website as interactive and entertaining as it is so I am working on that. Rest assured, however, that I will be adding "Proficient with HTML" to the resume today.

So I went to buy a bed yesterday for the move to NYC and I found out that it's easier to get a rockhammer into Shawshank than it is to get anything delivered to Manhattan. I actually found a place that will deliver it, but after watching this lady enter information into the computer I'm holding my breath. Her name was Su-Yuan and apparently they have to login to the computer before they can access any information. I watched her attempt this and here's an idea of what it looked like on screen

>SYK
>SYK
>SYK
>SYK
>logSYKin:
>SYK
password:
>SYK SYK SYK
>invaSYKlid loginSYK
>SYK
>SYKlogin:

It was probably the most awesome display of computer working I've ever seen. Finally after about 3 minutes of this, she got in, completely by chance. Then she asked the zip code of delivery and 10016 became 100000078. And this wasn't a typo, this was her actual interpretation of what I said, paying no regard to standard 5 digit zip code, nor the computer howling in apparent pain. Thankfully she let me take over to put the name and address in the system or my bed would be on it's way to Ft. Wayne. I think it's safe to say that I have a 50-60% chance of actually ever seeing this bed.

Hot Stove Thoughts

2004-12-12T16:23:00.000-05:00

Baseball's winter meetings are taking place as we speak in Anaheim, California (part of the O.C. if you didn't know), and as expected, Theo and the Sox are making the majority of the moves. I freaking love this guy. He comes into the league as a rookie GM at age 28 and within two years he is the most powerful GM in baseball. No other GM thinks or acts as aggressively as Theo when it comes to making trades and signing free agents. And even though he is conditioning Red Sox Nation, the most emotionally attached group of fans, to be less emotionally attached to their players with his cold negotiating stance, the fact of the matter is that he gets it done and fears nobody. Proof in the pudding: as a 25 year old who, while graced with "the friendly eyes" at the Padres Xmas party a few years back, he told veteran manager Bruce Bochy that he couldn't manage his way out of a paper bag. Balls!

Which brings me to his most recent move, that of signing 41 year old David Wells to a two year deal. First reaction was overwhlemingly positive. He's guaranteed only $8 million on the books for two years, $3 mil of which is signing bonus. The rest is tied to incentives. In between eating all the free snacks and wolfing down the free cokes in the Padres front office last season, I actually made to some games and watched him pitch, which he still can. While his 12-8 record doesn't look good on paper, realize the minimal run support of 4.4 per game he had behind him, and the striking fact that he had four ND's because of blown saves. Three of which came from Trevor Hoffman himself. So he very easily could have been 16-8, and potentially even better had the anemic Padre offense produced. Tack on his 3.73 ERA, and his positive influence on the young Padres pitching staff, and that's a pretty good bargain if you ask me. Speaking of the Padres pitching staff, Jake Peavy will be a top 5 Cy Young candidate by the time the season is over. And he will be starting the all star game. Mark it, dude.

There is the possibility that all statistics above are wrong, but they prove my point well, so just go with them.

My one concern is the thought that he will blend in with the "idiots" in Boston. Writers are commenting that this is a positive thing. People forget that Wells was a liability before he went to San Diego because of his back that forced him out of the World Series in 2003. Not only that, but his off the field antics were cause for concern. He was on a very short leash in San Diego and the clubhouse was as straight laced as they come (see Mark Loretta). Now picture him in a clubhouse with Kevin Millar (who initiated the "shots before we take the field" stance during the playoffs). That's like putting me in the Laguna Beach jacuzzi with LC and Lo. It's not productive, not healthy, and should be illegal. Although I gotta give credit to Talan for immediately propositioning the threesome, before they had even fully immersed themselves into the hottub.

I forgot to put the space between hot and tub there and immediately burst into hysterics thinking of the "hottub" at the prestigious Welshley Arms hotel from SNL lore.

I apologize for that digression, I don't know where I was going with that. Overall, I am pleased with the move, but don't be surprised if you see him pulling beerwolfs at Daisy's on game nights. But if this guy pitched his perfect game with a raging hangover (which by the way gives him the highest level of street cred in my book), I will be following him around Beantown with a tray of shots.

Blogons

2004-12-11T19:24:00.000-05:00

I'm already starting to question this blog idea, not even a couple hours into it. I can't even set the damn thing up correctly. Just getting the right time zone became an issue- I am baffled but mildly intrigued by the endless possibilities of time zones to choose from on here as there were about 28 different choices for America. This was highlighted by "America- Ft. Wayne". Fort Wayne, Indiana? This was the most representative city of the Central Time Zone? There wasn't even a choice for Chicago. I can kind of see their point. If you've ever been to the midwest you wouldn't want to know what time it is either, you'd just want the nightmare to be over.

Additionally, I tried to add links to those other blogs in my first post to no avail. I thought I was good with computers. Apparently spending 11 hours surfing the internet every day, checking your yahoo inbox that never has any new messages doesn't make one a whiz.

Furthermore, I tried to send the link to a friend to check it out and it didn't work. By friend, of course, I'm referring to the generic instant messenger screen names I send things to. You know, like "John". You ever wonder who got the first screen name "John"? I'd like to send an online greeting card to that email address just congratulating him for being the first one and living an easy life, never forgetting his complex login. I tried signing up for this thing and "Jimmy" was already taken naturally. Instead I was given the option of "Tommy9239". You mean to tell me the closest they could come to Jimmy was Tommy? I'm thinking of legally changing my name to something alpha-numeric just so I can login to websites easier.

I'll remind you that it is very much a Saturday night and I am doing this. Fantastic. Somebody please poison me.

Time for the Heisman trophy award ceremony. Reggie Bush is my pick. Doesn't have the stats, but easily the most talented player in college football. If they give to Peterson after not giving it to Larry Fitzgerald last year, or decide to give it to Jason White again, I will officially light myself on fire.

More on David Wells later.

The Beginning

2004-12-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how far the internet will take you when you should be immersing yourself into more productive things like searching for jobs, cutting and pasting others' cover letters as your own, and embellishing your resume like you're a college football coach. After hours of googling things like "High School Girls Tennis Team Photos" and "Consumer Reports- Waffles", I came across manhattan transfer's blog, which lead me to IJC, Tennessee Whiskey, and Kiki. All were highly entertaining, with just the right blend of wit, sarcasm, and drunken stories that I try to live vicariously through. Of course, it could also be due to the fact that I am gainfully unemployed and have been living at home for the past 2+ months, where daily highlights include the annoyed phone call from Mom that wakes me up every morning asking about daily job prospects to the awkward daily small talk with the gay 60 year old neighbor. I should also add that home is in the arctic desert of upstate NY where the sun sets at shortly after noon. Clearly I have little life and a huge need for an outlet for these types of stories.

While I'll probably get bored of this by the end of the month when I shockingly plan on moving out or realize what a loser I am, I do have many thoughts to share from the past couple of months, as well as the daily stream of consciousness that comes with doing absolutely nothing while on the job hunt. Expect some bad interview stories, useless baseball opinions, descriptive details on characters and episodes of O.C. and MTV reality marathons, as well as the overwhleming presence of elastic in my daily wardrobe.

Stay tuned.