I Can't Get a Break

The Sports Guy has officially chosen his 25 finalists for his intern contest and I, depressingly, was not included. Normally I would not have a problem with it as there were 4500 entries and there are bound to be funnier, wittier writers out there, however, judging by the “winning” entries, I find that not to be the case. I am counting on the fact that I was at least in his top 100 that he speaks of because while there may be 5 or 6 finalists better than my own essay, there are not 90 others. For your reading pleasure, here is my entry for the contest, within the requisite 400 word parameters.

I am 25. I am retired. Retired being the most appealing synonym for gainfully unemployed. In my retirement, I have essentially been carrying out the duties of the intern position for the past 3 months without the glamourous title. I search the internet for the latest news on the cast of Laguna Beach instead of searching for a job (for the record, "Lo" is apparently dating your fellow Clippers fan Frankie Muniz). I wake up at 9am in the interest of being motivated like a real worker with the promise of landing a full-time job. Unfortunately, much of the day is spent emailing my friends about the promise of Syracuse Basketball backup center Daryl Watkins instead of emailing my George O’Leary-like embellished resume to prospective employers.

I should mention that this isn’t the first ESPN reality gig that I have tried out for, as I did in fact try out for the second season of Dream Job. Unfortunately, I sweated outside in the 90 degree Hollywood heat for four hours before being called in. Apparently the pit-stain look is not something that comes across well on camera. It probably didn’t help that I became Kenyon Martin during my Sportscenter monologue bit. However, I am proud of that fact that I aced the sports-trivia portion of the tryout, coming in first in my group of 50 applicants.

About me personally: I have worked in sports, most recently with the San Diego Padres in their front office, aspiring to be like April 1995's Employee of the Month, Theo Epstein. Count me in also as a New Englander who fled Boston for sunny California. Unfortunately, I prefer temperatures below 30 degrees and pasty, bitter, unattractive women so I moved back to the East Coast after the 2004 season. I live in New York City now and spend my time interviewing for sports jobs and performing Hall of Fame caliber temp work for unappreciative clients.

Finally, let’s be brutally frank. Wouldn’t it be better to have a 25 year old do this job? Someone clinging at the maximum age requirement, someone who will ambitiously search the internet for the best links, someone who will embrace the salary hand over fist, someone who can legally visit casinos, someone who calls 10am-2pm "prime-time". Or a college senior who hasn’t seen 10 a.m. since his freshman year? The choice is simple, Mr. Simmons- Me.

On the flip side, he put together a great O.C. vs 90210 tale of the tape that is worth your reading. You may also berate him about my glaring omission from his intern contest. (sigh, head droop)